It’s been awhile I know but I’ve been busy riding my bike, I’m close to riding 1,000 miles for the season. Knitting of course, getting in a routine now that the kids are back in school and of course still going to Boston every three weeks. The intense tiredness has returned along with joint pain and aches. I’m told that in October when I’m taking off the oral chemo I should feel much better. I’m determined to still keep riding my bike even though I’m not able to go as fast or as hard as I could a month ago. Volleyball is in full swing as well so I’m enjoying cheering on my girls. Last week we added to our family

20130915-185441.jpg meet Gunner he’s 21/2 and other than not liking being left alone he’s fantastic. So our Grey Ghost Bicycles now has an official Grey Ghost.


I’ve been busy with kids home for summer, biking a ton, and just living. I started this knit back in the spring with yarn I bought last fall at Rhinebeck.
It’s going to be sweater weather before we know it. The pattern is Lily and while it blocked a little longer than I originally wanted I think in the long run it will be fine.




Started the day with a 22 mile bike ride in the country

Followed by some picking of natures candy on the side of the road


And now some knitting

My kind of Sunday.

It’s been awhile I know but I’ve been “healing” not just physically but emotionally as well. I’m 4 1/2 weeks post surgery and amazingly my scars are barely visible, my plastic surgeon is a rock star!!! I’ve had two fills and this last one I had two days ago has had me in the most pain yet!!! Except when they took those damn drains out ten days after surgery, yes everyone’s different but lets just say when the left side drains where removed I became slightly vocal and they hurt so freaking bad it was worse than child birth. Not sure what was up with them but they hurt right from the beginning, the right side I barely felt being removed. Enough on those nasty things and glad they’re gone and hope to never have to deal with them again!!! I had a slight set back which is part of the long break from here, my pathology report came back showing that there where cancer cells in all four quadrants of the right breast, we had thought only two quadrants where involved. It also showed that there was a microscopic spot on the chest wall and 7 of the 14 lymph nodes removed showed cancer cells as well and three had macro cells and four had micro. Yes we hope everything was removed but we where not expecting any of that. We’ve been told that the Chemo worked as best as it could and the tumors where no longer visible but for what ever reason it didn’t get rid of everything. We also where told that even though there where signs of cancer throughout the breast it wasn’t enough to add up and get a “number” so that’s good. But hearing that there was cancer showing up after chemo had me feeling like I was being diagnosed all over again, and had me pretty much uncontrollably sobbing and screaming this isn’t fucking fair. It changes my percentage of it coming back to 45-50% and means I will have a bigger area radiated, and have pet scans every three months following radiation. Plus my anger of being pushed aside last April has resurfaced!!! Hubby and I will be heading out to Dana Farber this coming Wednesday for a second opinion suggested by our team of Dr’s, they feel that it will for nothing else give me more of a peace of mind.I try to remind myself that we have done/doing everything known to hopefully cure this shit and hope it never comes back again and pray that it’s enough and I know that’s all we can do!!! I’m finally getting my kick ass attitude back but it’s taking awhile. Not only have I been dealing with my own healing but Abbigayle is still home with Mono. Remember I came home on a Tuesday and she came home that Thursday. She doesn’t have your typical Mono because her liver and spleen are involved and she had pleurisy too. So having her home when I’ve felt my worst has been a challenge and having tutors coming to the house has kind of stunk too. We have winter break here starting in a few days and are hopeful that the Dr will tell her she can return to school after break is over even if  it’s just for half days. Since I’ve had to take pain pills more days than not I’ve been stuck in the house or at the mercy of others to drive me where I need to go. I’ve been able to go to some concerts, swim meets, volleyball games, and talent shows and even though I didn’t always feel that great I was able to be there for my kids. At Andrews talent show I was pretty uncomfortable but so glad I could be there for him and especially thankful when some of the little girls in his class performed an act called fight like a girl, yup a huge breast cancer ribbon was wheeled out and these amazing cuties did a dance/boxing number to various songs including This Girl Is On Fire well that did me in and I didn’t care who saw the tears streaming down my face because I was so honored they put that together!!!I was hoping to go into his class today for their Valentine Party but after Tuesdays expansion am not going anywhere. Thank goodness for knitting I’ve finished some socks and will hopefully post pics of those soon! I have one more fill next Thursday because of Dr’s wanting to start radiation asap my fills have had to be done quicker aka more put in at a time and done once a week rather than over a longer time period. After next Thursday I will see the radiation Dr who has the final say if we’ve made them to big and if so I will go back to the Plastic Surgeon and he will remove some. We are leaning on the side of caution as to not stretch the skin to much so we can hopefully avoid any complications from radiation. I love all my Dr’s and trust them completely and at the end of the day it’s about curing me not necessarily given me “big”boobs. I’m a little bigger than what I started so as long as we end up with the same results I will be happy. I’m planning on posting pics of what things looked like after the mastectomy and through the fill process so after next week I should be able to post those. My hopes are to help others see it’s really not that bad and while everyone’s different, to maybe help put at least one person at ease. I’ve been very fortunate with our Dr’s and I’ve read how some others have been treated by their surgeons and my heart goes out to them. Our Plastic Surgeon has been nothing but compassionate and patient during everything and we often find our selves joking with him and his nurse during the fills. When I  saw him post op to remove the bandages and drains he took things very slowly knowing how worried I was and really seemed shaken when he saw how much pain I was in when the drains where removed. To me bedside matter is huge and I never feel like just a number or a person with cancer when I’m at his office because it’s not just him but his staff as well who are warm and comforting. So I guess my message is I hope for those who haven’t found that type of comfort from your Surgeons I hope you are able to, even if it means seeing a few different Dr’s because I think it will help in the healing process too. Of course you have to make sure they’re competent as well:) My hair is also coming in fairly quickly (although not as quickly as I would like) and I sort of resemble a chia pet but it’s a start. Cruelly enough I had my eyebrows and eyelashes until a few days ago, but they too seem to be coming right back in  (weird). So there’s the catch up and thankfully I’ve been having more good days than bad, so fingers crossed that we get good news next Wednesday!!!!Happy Valentines Day too, while I’ve never been found of this “holiday” I’m appreciating  it a little more this year and looking forward to a quiet night with my hubby and kids and some sushi for dinner.yum

So I’m starting to feel more human each day. Thankfully after 6 nights of not much sleep my Dad came up with  the best idea of trying to sleep in one of their lounge chairs that we use by the pool in the summer. Bingo we put a mattress cushion on it and some comfy blankets and I actually slept. That was Sunday night so thank you Dad for coming up with that solution, truth be told I think my parents,hubby and kids had about it had it too and probably where starting to get a little scared of Mama since you can imagine after many nights of no sleep, sever constipation that had me throwing up in the kitchen sink, and yes much discomfort and pain, crankyness was an understatement:) Now all those problems have been resolved and I’m as content as one can be right now. Trying to follow Dr’s orders of not doing anything,  much time is spent on the couch tv watching, some knitting, enjoying the woodstove while others keep it going for me, and sleeping since like with chemo major surgery makes you tired. Lyssey has a swim meet this Wednesday which I would like to go to but Hubby said no since I don’t go to the Plastics Dr until Thursday when I hope they take at least two of these damn drains out, plus I’m not cleared to drive till after seeing the Surgeon next Tuesday. So I will have to have someone do a cell phone video so I can see her swim. If drains come out I may be able to go see her All County Chorus concert on Saturday otherwise I will just get to listen to it while those who do go can call me while she’s singing. I hate missing these things but keep reminding myself it’s only a couple events and I will be here for all the rest.So as if things haven’t been crazy enough and I feel heartbroken that my kids have had to see me in the hospital, and than in pain at home, yesterday blood work confirmed that our oldest Abbey has Mono. My parents took her to the Dr last Thursday where they diagnosed her with Plurisy, and by Friday night she was feeling worse so it was back to the Dr’s and than off to the Hospital for blood work and chest x-ray’s.  It’s so hard to not be able to take care of myself but now my child is sick and I can’t do much to help her either, and she has midterms all week so today she went in to try to at least get through one of them. We will play the rest of the week by hand and pray she can get through them all and if next week she has to miss school than so be it.I’m so thankful that between my parents, hubby, family, and close friends we are well taken care of but seriously are you kidding me? Haven’t we been through enough?! Hubby returns to work today full-time so now my parents will get the brunt of having to take care of both Abbey and I, not to mention play taxi service for getting the kids home from school, and to and from sports. So THANK YOU Mom and Dad we never could have made it this far without all of your love and support!!!:)

As I sit here waiting to ring in another New Year it seems to have taken on a different meaning.. We usually throw a big New Years Eve party but this year I new it would be to much, so hubby and I had an early dinner at a new Thai restaurant followed by Starbucks, while the kids had some sibling time before the girls headed to their friends for a few hours and I get to spend some time with my two guys watching the New Years Eve coverage on tv and knitting. While 2012 drastically changed back in August I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever thought,found out who my true friends really are and who I can count on, that our hospital has a great cancer center with caring and compassionate Dr’s,nurses and staff, because shit I have Breast Cancer and got to experience it first hand. I’ve fought to live and survived 8 doses of Chemo over 16 weeks, and no have a different perspective on a lot of things, such as, that while having no hair is getting old and cold 😉 and the 20 freaking pounds I’ve gained thank you steroids, really aren’t that big of a deal in the greater scheme of things. I plan on starting 2013 with the hopes of a simpler year, meaning less focusing on the material things, getting rid of crap and clutter we really don’t need, living more in the moment(less multi-tasking), not stressing over things I just can’t control, and while I have surgery coming up two weeks from today knowing that I can handle that too and that yes it’s scary but it’s one more step in insuring that I hopefully never have to go through this again and another perk no pun intended ok maybe a little pun is I will have bigger maybe better boobs that will never sag when I’m an old old lady, because I firmly have to believe that there has to be a positive spin on everything we go through, whether it be realizing how strong we are, being able to bring awareness and help others, sadly making the children who have a parent going through this maybe stronger more compassionate people when they grow up because yea it makes me furious that my three babies have to experience a parent with cancer so there HAS to be something positive to come from it all. I plan on continuing awareness for Breast Cancer and raising money for it and so thankful that hubby’s shop has joined me in that act by donating part of sales from every cycling jersey and shorts kits,(and yes there’s a cool pink kit that I can’t wait to get and wear on my pink Kelly Bedford custom bike hubby has promised me) and in the spring their going to do a benefit ride too which I would like to take part in but not sure if I will be strong enough for, or if Oncologist will ok since radiation and  more surgeries may be around that time:(, getting back in shape again and knowing when out on a jog, or cycling and it hurts and I want to puke that I can work through it because after chemo and all I still have to go through than  I’m not going to let anything or anyone get the better of me ever again!!!I’m also looking forward to a year from now resuming hosting our big New Years Eve bash…So Happy New Year All MAKE IT COUNT!!!!!

Last Chemo was Christmas Eve so I’ve been enjoying the HolidaysOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAlthough there’s five people missing from the last picture they where still with us on Christmas and I got to talk to them which helped make them seem not so far away!!! Remembering we had a tripod at 1am Christmas Morning priceless, than having to think where the heck I had put it even more priceless, but we where able to capture some of these great pics. Back soon with some knitting updates, till than I hope everyone is enjoying their Holidays, we’ve been watching lots of Jane Austen movies, knitting,enjoying the snow falling outside, and just relaxing.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

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