It’s been awhile I know but I’ve been “healing” not just physically but emotionally as well. I’m 4 1/2 weeks post surgery and amazingly my scars are barely visible, my plastic surgeon is a rock star!!! I’ve had two fills and this last one I had two days ago has had me in the most pain yet!!! Except when they took those damn drains out ten days after surgery, yes everyone’s different but lets just say when the left side drains where removed I became slightly vocal and they hurt so freaking bad it was worse than child birth. Not sure what was up with them but they hurt right from the beginning, the right side I barely felt being removed. Enough on those nasty things and glad they’re gone and hope to never have to deal with them again!!! I had a slight set back which is part of the long break from here, my pathology report came back showing that there where cancer cells in all four quadrants of the right breast, we had thought only two quadrants where involved. It also showed that there was a microscopic spot on the chest wall and 7 of the 14 lymph nodes removed showed cancer cells as well and three had macro cells and four had micro. Yes we hope everything was removed but we where not expecting any of that. We’ve been told that the Chemo worked as best as it could and the tumors where no longer visible but for what ever reason it didn’t get rid of everything. We also where told that even though there where signs of cancer throughout the breast it wasn’t enough to add up and get a “number” so that’s good. But hearing that there was cancer showing up after chemo had me feeling like I was being diagnosed all over again, and had me pretty much uncontrollably sobbing and screaming this isn’t fucking fair. It changes my percentage of it coming back to 45-50% and means I will have a bigger area radiated, and have pet scans every three months following radiation. Plus my anger of being pushed aside last April has resurfaced!!! Hubby and I will be heading out to Dana Farber this coming Wednesday for a second opinion suggested by our team of Dr’s, they feel that it will for nothing else give me more of a peace of mind.I try to remind myself that we have done/doing everything known to hopefully cure this shit and hope it never comes back again and pray that it’s enough and I know that’s all we can do!!! I’m finally getting my kick ass attitude back but it’s taking awhile. Not only have I been dealing with my own healing but Abbigayle is still home with Mono. Remember I came home on a Tuesday and she came home that Thursday. She doesn’t have your typical Mono because her liver and spleen are involved and she had pleurisy too. So having her home when I’ve felt my worst has been a challenge and having tutors coming to the house has kind of stunk too. We have winter break here starting in a few days and are hopeful that the Dr will tell her she can return to school after break is over even if  it’s just for half days. Since I’ve had to take pain pills more days than not I’ve been stuck in the house or at the mercy of others to drive me where I need to go. I’ve been able to go to some concerts, swim meets, volleyball games, and talent shows and even though I didn’t always feel that great I was able to be there for my kids. At Andrews talent show I was pretty uncomfortable but so glad I could be there for him and especially thankful when some of the little girls in his class performed an act called fight like a girl, yup a huge breast cancer ribbon was wheeled out and these amazing cuties did a dance/boxing number to various songs including This Girl Is On Fire well that did me in and I didn’t care who saw the tears streaming down my face because I was so honored they put that together!!!I was hoping to go into his class today for their Valentine Party but after Tuesdays expansion am not going anywhere. Thank goodness for knitting I’ve finished some socks and will hopefully post pics of those soon! I have one more fill next Thursday because of Dr’s wanting to start radiation asap my fills have had to be done quicker aka more put in at a time and done once a week rather than over a longer time period. After next Thursday I will see the radiation Dr who has the final say if we’ve made them to big and if so I will go back to the Plastic Surgeon and he will remove some. We are leaning on the side of caution as to not stretch the skin to much so we can hopefully avoid any complications from radiation. I love all my Dr’s and trust them completely and at the end of the day it’s about curing me not necessarily given me “big”boobs. I’m a little bigger than what I started so as long as we end up with the same results I will be happy. I’m planning on posting pics of what things looked like after the mastectomy and through the fill process so after next week I should be able to post those. My hopes are to help others see it’s really not that bad and while everyone’s different, to maybe help put at least one person at ease. I’ve been very fortunate with our Dr’s and I’ve read how some others have been treated by their surgeons and my heart goes out to them. Our Plastic Surgeon has been nothing but compassionate and patient during everything and we often find our selves joking with him and his nurse during the fills. When I  saw him post op to remove the bandages and drains he took things very slowly knowing how worried I was and really seemed shaken when he saw how much pain I was in when the drains where removed. To me bedside matter is huge and I never feel like just a number or a person with cancer when I’m at his office because it’s not just him but his staff as well who are warm and comforting. So I guess my message is I hope for those who haven’t found that type of comfort from your Surgeons I hope you are able to, even if it means seeing a few different Dr’s because I think it will help in the healing process too. Of course you have to make sure they’re competent as well:) My hair is also coming in fairly quickly (although not as quickly as I would like) and I sort of resemble a chia pet but it’s a start. Cruelly enough I had my eyebrows and eyelashes until a few days ago, but they too seem to be coming right back in  (weird). So there’s the catch up and thankfully I’ve been having more good days than bad, so fingers crossed that we get good news next Wednesday!!!!Happy Valentines Day too, while I’ve never been found of this “holiday” I’m appreciating  it a little more this year and looking forward to a quiet night with my hubby and kids and some sushi for dinner.yum